HELP HELP HELP....ok i can't even begin to feel how AWFUL i feel... ok, here goes.. I had the BEST first term of uni.. it was so much fun.. i was doing so well at my course, made some amazing friends,was 'seeing' a new guy and + i honestly was having the time of my life. i came back after the xmas holidays which were also amazing. when i got back to uni i made a few mistakes as i stupidly pulled a couple of people when i was drunk, got affected by a group of cliquey girls + somehow 'convinced' myself my friends were against me (which i later found out was totally untrue) + i went totally off the rails...i
started phoning + seriously worrying my parents telling them i hated it + i got depressed at boarding school when i was 16 my parents told me to go to the doctor...so at the same time i tried to hide it from my friends... and ahhh.. it was a total nightmare cuz i knew i wasn't seriously depressed, i knew it was just me getting stupidly jealous over friendships and imagining that i had a bad reputation......instead of being open, i was telling my parents that i was having a bad time but then trying to appear 'happy' on the outside... then all my energy went into worrying about if anyone could tell i was 'depressed.'
Eventually i admitted i was feeling a bit depressed.. but didn't really give a reason because i didn't want to say i felt slightly left out and that i felt i had gained a bad rep. for treating a few guys badly... + i kept telling more and more stupid lies and excuses when i should have just been honest...then i became paranoid about everything that people thought i was 'mentally ill' worrying about that cuz people kept watchin me at dinner and stuff + then everyone thought i was on the verge of anorexia because i wasnt eating as much.. and ahhh..EVEN THOUGH I KNEW I WASN'T.. AGGGHHH.. I WISH I HAD BEEN HONEST...honestly, the whole thing was so embarassing just cuz i knew i wasn't being true to myself..
i then totally withdrew from everything + started thinking everyone thought i was really boring + odd.. i stopped organising myself and couldnt concentrate on having a conversation as i was too busy worrying about everyone thinking i was strange or whatever....i started apologising to people for being a bad friend...it was totally ridiculous...i was sooo embarassed about my behaviour!!!! then i went home for 3 weeks and got into the pattern of running away every time something bad went wrong..or i felt slightly vulnerable or judged..... it's like it was my aim to run away....in the end i ended up deferring a year......
anyway, after i left all my mates who id been convinced didnt like me actually did.. and that the whole thing was totally imaginary... + i was just being soo paranoid and stupid.... im REGRETTING IT SO MUCH.. I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.. IM GOING BACK IN SEPTEMBER 2 THE SAME UNI.. BUT HONESTLY I THINK I'M NEVER GOING TO BE THE SAME AGAIN..I'VE LET MYSELF DOWN SOOO MUCH + LOST LOADS OF INTEGRITY...AND JUST COMPLETELY EMBARASSED MYSELF AT UNI WHICH WAS MY WORST NIGHTMARE.... IM SOOO UNDERCONFIDENT JUST BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THE BIGGEST LIAR ON EARTH.. I KNOW THAT RE-DOING A YEAR OF UNI ISN'T A BIG DEAL AND LOADS OF PEOPLE DO IT.....but i honestly i can't face anyone anymore.. im totally living in the past + remembering all the good things about uni...+ how happy + confident i was b4 i started inventing problems....im actually worried about the permenant damage im doing to myself.. instead of using this time practically im sitting at home dwelling on everything that's happened and i've kind of stopped living my life because im so ashamed and mad at myself for letting a few bad days in january and my own stupid mistakes spiral into 5 months of hell + regret...I SHOULD NEVER HAVE LEFT UNI....
.. i can't focus on ANYTHING except myself + how stupid ive been...... and im so worried.. i honestly am.. ...all i want to do is sit at home and regret stuff and blame myself.....i used to be SO OUTGOING AND SOCIAL...i used to LOVE partying and having fun and i would always be laughing and joking around. my friends mean sooo much to me... and now im on the point of feeling suicidal which is really scaring me. my parents are completely fed up with me + i feel so ungrateful because they've been sweet enough to let me re-start in september.. but all i keep doing is going on about the past....
im so worried about going back to a place where people might think im strange cuz im actually a totally normal, fun person underneath all this shit!!!
PLEASE PLEASE can someone suggest something useful + practical i can do until september where im out meeting people... and i kinda want to get away from home because sitting here feeling depressed isn't getting me anywhere... im so low, im just being a total puppy dog to my parents which is so embarassing and humiliating... i have no motivation, all i wanna do is turn back time + be back at uni being normal!!!!! this whole thing has been completely self-inflicted...and i have no-one to blame but myself and my stupid imagination.. but i can't stop torturing myself mentally for making the biggest mistake of my entire life.... please please help me.. any advice would be so grateful!!! xx